Let's Buy Dick Cheney a Cheeseburger

March 5, 2007:

"Vice President Dick Cheney complained of pain in his left leg Monday and doctors discovered he has a blood clot that could be fatal if left untreated."

I hereby declare April 20, 2007, is National Buy Dick Cheney a Cheeseburger Day. Millions of Americans will buy cheeseburgers, consume them, and then mail their receipts to Vice President Dick Cheney, to encourage him to chow down or lament the fact he can't.

(I know that's sort of a douchey unilateral, go-it-alone, with-us-or-against-us move, but ... hey, it's so clearly worked for this administration)

Come on, this guy's got a stent, he's been on blood thinners, what, twice? You know he's got some severe diet restrictions. And it just keeps getting worse! All that sitting around on his ass on Air Force Two or napping through Oval Office meetings (action item for VPOTUS: Tolerate meeting) he can't clear out the platelets fast enough to get off what undoubtedly must be a diet of sprouts, celery, and the livers of newborn babies.

No wait, he's from the party that respects life. OK, livers of shiftless won't-get-a-job homeless U.S. veterans.

Anyway, here's the deal. I want a cheeseburger -- right freaking now. And I'm not the most powerful man in the world. He is. He wants a cheeseburger RIGHT FREAKING NOW, I guarantee it. And he can't have one! I can! You can! Dick can't!

So I say, let's live a little. Let's all of us go grab a cheeseburger on March 30.That's a Friday. We all should be in a festive mood. We should all be thinking of happier days, before the world hated us, before we were wasting (yes, I dare use that word) American lives in Iraq to prove Dick's personal infallibility and make his fantasy world view into reality. Let's dig in to a good old American cheesburger and send Dick Cheney the receipt.

I say we rub it in. And if not rub it in, encourage this purely evil bastard to indulge.

That's right, Dick, feed feed that fat fucking face of yours. Chow down. Every ounce of 80/20 ground chuck you down gets us a few platelets closer to a removal from office that is more swift and more certain than impeachment (God, what a hopeless fantasy). Have a cheeseburger, you fucking asshole.

I simply cannot accept that there are some bodies in the world where blood clots cannot live freely, to realize their full potential. You have many unfulfilled clots, Dick, and it is the soft bigotry of low expectations that keeps them rom coagulating in some part of your body where they could truly live out their potential for public service.

So here is the deal -- Go to your favorite, least healthy fast food joint (suggestions follow) and order their most monstrous hamburger sandwich. You can order a stock sandwich like the BK Stacker or a Jack in the Box bacon double, or cobble together your own -- a Frankenburger combining the brutality of the Double Whopper, the mass of a Chili's Big Mouth, the tradition of a Quarter-Pounder, and the Dagwood-jaw-tirejacking power of a Wendy's Triple.

Order that fucker, eat it, and send Dick the receipt. Better yet, take a picture of it and send it here, with your comments. But at minimum, sack up. Buy a cheesburger. Buy a big one. Enjoy it, and send the receipt here:

Dick Cheney
de facto President, United States*
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, DC 20500

(I tried to find a direct mailing address to the VP at the pixelated-out Naval Observatory. Fancy that! Unaccountable asshole doesn't publish one for public correspondence.)

Naturally, I wish I could have some evidence of thousands of receipts going in to Dick, either pictures or a signed petition or something but, I recognize the near-impossibility of this right now. However, if anyone has any ideas, feel free to email me at buydickcheneyacheeseburger@gmail.com

FAQ:

What are we doing again?
Enjoying a cheesburger in solidarity with all of the blood platelets who are trying to assemble peaceably and petition some organ of Vice President Dick Cheney.

What if I am a vegetarian or a vegan?
*Sigh* Alright, goddammit -- I realize you cannot have any sort of fun in your life, whatsoever. So please consume several hundred grams of fat in whatever manner you think most appropriate and send a Whole Foods receipt to the snarling bastard.

Do we have to send the receipt? What about the burger itself?
A capital idea, but my guess is you don't want to pay the freight for the sandwich to arrive fresh, and Cheney's praetorians will probably throw it right the fuck out. A commenter has suggested buying gift cards and sending those, which I think is a capital idea because if he gets enough of them, then he's got to report it, and my guess Dick hates paperwork as much as he hates black people.

Where does that receipt go again?
Why the office of the most powerful man in the world, of course. It also happens to be the same address as Cheney's.

OK, is the Secret Service gonna charge me with threatening the vice president?
I think death threats have to be credible. Also notice that nowhere in this am I actually rooting on his death. That said, this asshole is behind the jailing of thousands and their subsequent deprivation of habeas corpus. So there is some risk.

But on principle (oh, I kid! When have principles ever mattered to these guys), I'd like to think you can encourage the Vice President to do something really unhealthy. Also, borrowing the dialogue of his Big Tobacco buddies, let's say that consuming a gimongus cheezbuggah is a matter of personal responsibility, and it is not the government's place -- least of all the goddamn Secret Service's -- to regulate our Vice President's diet.

Seriously, I'm worried about having my name on this ...
Then pay in cash and don't put a fucking name on the return address, dumbshit.

They have to have some sort of way to find DNA evidence though!
Do not lick the stamp or the back of the envelope. And my guess is the grease (yes, there will be lots) will smear the fingerprints you leave, not that they are easily extractable from the paper in the first place.

I want to do something even more demonstrative of my contempt for Dick. Can I get publicity?
Absolutely. I would like to see pictures of cartoonishly large hamburgers, preferably with signs, middle fingers, other vulgar gestures, should you care to take them. If you want to organize hamburger parties, the more the merrier, I will publicize them here. Just give times, places, etc. If you have sackfulls of receipts you're sending to Dick, take a picture, I will post it. In short, anything you send me, I'll put up here.

Wasn't there a nastier version of this up earlier in the week?
Yes. I wrote that when I was, as the British tabs say, "tired and emotional." I still feel the same way, but I've made this little endeavor a little more fun and a little less hate-y and death-y. Also, I misspelled the URL for blogspot, and figured we needed a longer deadline to get our act together. Finally, doing this right the second time allows me to re-post it to Digg and Reddit! Yay!